One of the most difficult things Tarot readers often face is the challenge of reading for themselves. Many have said they aren't able to do it without losing their objectivity, without seeing what they want to see in the cards. This is also one of the reasons many readers will not read for people they are very close to.
Other readers, although admittedly very few, have no major problems reading for themselves or those they love. I am one of those unlucky readers. I say unlucky because to me, it's more a curse than a blessing. I truly wish I wasn't able to read for myself or my loved ones. While it's wonderful to see good things and good fortune in some of my readings, I could do without knowing about the negative and painful moments that are to come.
I always try to soften the blow when reading for others, when certain Sword cards or some of the more unequivocally harsh Majors come up. I know that difficult and painful moments are coming and yet I can't bring myself to tell my querents the true extent of what I see. So I tell them that something bad is coming but that it will help them grow and evolve. That all will be good in the end and that the lesson learned will be worth all the anguish and suffering. I always try to give them the hope they can cling to when the prediction does come true and they find themselves lost and hurt and confused at what life is indiscriminately throwing at them. I want them to see the light at the end of the tunnel as they walk through the darkest time of their life.
I am, unfortunately, unable to be this kind to myself. Even though I know that everything happens for a reason, the good and the bad, I just can't lie to myself and pretend that it'll be okay. I know it won't be. I know it'll hurt like hell and I know I'll never be the same afterwards. Some events are so painful they change you forever. When I see difficult times ahead in my own readings, I'm unable to sugarcoat it.
For some time now, my readings have been giving me very bad news. Not in the immediate future, but still close enough to scare me to death. Something terrible is coming my way and I have no clue how I'm going to survive it this time. I don't understand why there has to be so much pain. I've already learned many hard lessons in my life, isn't it about time I get a break? The cards don't seem to think so and the
cards have never lied to me.
Don't get me wrong, it's not all doom and gloom, there are some happy things in store for me still, but the shadow of despair is looming over everything. It's only a matter of time before all hell breaks lose in my life. I wish I didn't know this. I wish I could go to someone and ask them to read for me and tell me that it'll all make sense someday. The only problem is I'll know that they're lying, or that they're trying to soften the blow the way I always do. Sometimes, it just will never be okay again.
Such is the curse of those who have the ability to read for themselves. I wish I didn't have it. I truly do.
All images from Alistair Crowley's Thoth Tarot, art by Lady Frieda Harris
